Publicerad i Livet

Livet på en pinne 🌸

Min vecka har varit bra, tacksam för mina underbara lärare och klass kamrater. Känner mig så stark i deras sällskap. Dessutom har veckans uppgifter varit super kul, kände mig så nöjd och tillfreds med resultatet.
Det är sällan jag känner mig nöjd och stolt över mig själv och mitt arbete. Känner mig mer eller mindre oftast misslyckad och att mitt arbete inte alls var bra. Har så höga krav på mig själv. Känner att jag aldrig gör arbetet tillräckligt bra, att det bara blev skit av allt och jag vill förstöra det för att ingen annan ska hinna se mitt ”fula” arbete.

Kämpar fortfarande med jobbiga mardrömmar efter de senaste händelserna som skakat mig. Panik, obehag och ångest, varje dag är det samma sak. Rädslan att möta personen i fråga, hur h*n kommer bete sig.

Efter mitt förra inlägg fick jag meddelanden från h*n om jag kände mig ”nöjd med att skriva av mig..” senare skrev h*n att ” Det måste kännas bra att skriva ut på sociala medier och svartmåla en person..” Minns inte ordagrant vad som skrevs… Men ni fattar… Jag nämnde inga namn eller om det är en hon eller han som det handlar om… ÄNDÅ måste h*n skriva till mig och öka mitt obehag. Min rädsla.

Jag skulle ALDRIG skriva ut namn på personer om jag inte har personens tillåtelse.

H*n tycker att jag söker bekräftelse via sociala medier.

Min instagram har blivit en plattformsäventyr jag kan visa mina floristiska arbeten och skapa en digital portfolio.

Min blogg är för min skull och för den som vill läsa som kanske känner igen sig i mina texter.

Jag skulle aldrig kunna kräva eller tvinga någon att läsa eller kommentera. Det är varje enskild persons val.

Är tacksam för de som följer mig och läser mina inlägg. Det gör mig glad.

Så nu släpper vi det. Tänkte dela bilder från veckans skapelser i skolan. Haft så roligt och ska erkänna att ett av arbetena ser ut som kaos, men det är lite meningen. Och de arbetet hjälpte mig sänka kraven på mig själv. Längtar tills jag får göra de igen!!

Denna skapelse är det jag skriver om, den ser helt vild ut och det ska den. Inga krav på perfektion. Det ska efterlikna naturen och hur materialet växer i sitt naturliga habitat.

/ Liljekonvaljens Kammare.

Publicerad i English

Life on a stick..🌸

My week has been good, grateful for my wonderful teachers and classmates. Feeling so strong in their company. In addition, this week’s tasks have been super fun, I felt so happy and satisfied with the result. I rarely feel satisfied and proud of myself and my work.

Feeling more or less often failed and that my work was not good at all. Have such high demands on myself. Feel that I never do the job well enough, that it just got shit from everything and I want to ruin it so that no one else will have time to see my ”ugly” work.

Still struggling with troublesome nightmares after the recent events that shook me. Panic, discomfort and anxiety, every day is the same thing. The fear of meeting the person in question, how going to behave. After my previous post, I received messages from That asked ”if I felt happy to write about what happened ..” later wrote that ”It must feel good to print on social media and blackmail a person ..” Remember not literally what was written… But you understand… I did not mention any names or if it is a female or a man it is about… STILL must write to me and increase my discomfort. My fear. I would NEVER print the names of people without my person’s permission. thinks I’m looking for confirmation via social media.

My instagram has become a platform adventure I can show my floristic works and create a digital portfolio.

My blog is for my sake and for those who want to read who may recognize themselves in my texts. I could never demand or force anyone to read or comment. It is each individual’s choice. I am grateful to those who follow me and read my posts. It makes me happy.

So now we drop that.. Thought i would share pictures from this week’s creations at school. Had so much fun and I have to admit that one of the works looks like chaos, but that’s a bit of a point. And that work helped me lower the demands on myself. Longing until I can do them again !!

Hair decoration
This is the work I was writing about. In love with it! It’s a funeral decoration in vegetative style…
A hair wreath for midsummer maybe…

/Liljekonvaljens Kammare

Publicerad i English

This is why I’ve been so quiet…

Then it was time to update a little on what happens in life .. Had it turbulent in private life. Was on sick leave at 100% due to this and has now returned to only being on sick leave 25%.

If I say like this, it will be a while before I intend to date someone and let that person into my life. My already chaotic past had another traumatic event to add .. Why can people not just behave properly? Trusting someone is big for me and I did it. But I got proof again that I should not do it. The fear of what happened still affects me but not as much. Despite the short time since the incident.

Another thing that increased with me is the fear and discomfort of people in combination with alcohol. It creates such a horrible and annoying stress. Gets panic disorder and just wants to escape the situation. I can ‘t handle it. I have previously been able to handle and have strategies for it .. But this took everything to a new level. Not being able to trust the person at all… that came home from work and took the opportunity to have a beer because wanted . At 14.00 on a Wednesday .. that I couldn’t be able to feel any security at all.. constant worry about whether will have drunk or not .. what awaits me when I get home? Will I hear comments about my friends… That they are not ”normal” to have boyfriends that you have contact with daily… but it is ”whore boys” that I have as a backup in case…

Yes you understand, it was not good… Despite everything I have already been through, I still felt guilty that I did something wrong even though I did not. So damn happy that it ended before it got even worse… BUT why did I forgive the first time and thought it would not happen again .. All the time nagging that I was secretive, hidden things etc.

I should NEVER let myself be ”owned” by anyone. I want to be free, have friends regardless of gender. If I want to sit with my mobile for a whole night, I should be able to do it without feeling guilty. Be accused of ignoring the person because you read but did not answer because you are busy… I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE ”US”… Needed to write everything off and empty my system.

/ Liljekonvaljens Kammare

Publicerad i English

Life is a rollercoaster ..

I’ve been having a hard time, things doesn’t always go the way you want to. But it’s time to go on and let myself heal.

Some nights I can’t sleep and my mind just goes like a loop.. and eating is hard. I don’t feel hungry at all. But I do my best and eats anyway.

I try to do things that makes me happy, but even that’s hard. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. Feels nice to talk and get help to deal with my issues.

/Liljekonvaljens kammare

Publicerad i English

Birthday, sun and springtime

Sunday was the vernal equinox, the day offered sun, love and happiness. Went up 6.30 and ate breakfast, took a nice shower where I got my hair washed by M. How luxurious is not it? Getting your hair washed 😌 Bedded the bed and waited for it to be 9.45!

Went and picked up my best friend and sister Amanda for a luxury breakfast / coffee at Sjömans. It was so cozy, we talked a lot, laughed and there were only two of us. Long since we hade time without children (she has 2 that I love but sometimes they are nice to just be us and be able to talk about things we can not talk about when the children are with). If you are visiting Köping, you must visit Sjomans bakery, they have such a cozy room, friendly staff and wonderful treats to eat! After our coffee, I went to the pharmacy and picked up my medicine, have come up with free cards for medicines, it has never happened to me before. Took Amanda home to me where we talked a bit with M, showed how I had refurnished (do it quite often).

Then at about 12.3o we drove her home, bought an MCD with us out to dad’s where a party was approaching. It was me, M, mother, father, brother and his two children (will call them E and A). It was the first time my brother and his 2 little ones got to meet M. They went well, so when it comes to the children, A felt comfortable pretty fast and we played games and built lego. E was a little more careful, but they lightened up pretty fast. She is 2 years old and so lovely. She talks and says things that I melt from hearing. The best thing is that there are 2 dog stuffed animals out there, a purple dachshund that is big and a small baby toy dachshund with a bell in it. The little one is hers .. and the big one is my dad’s (her faffa, Granddad) and as soon as he releases it and does something otherwise she takes it and looks for him because he should have it all the time.

Decided to go for ice cream instead of cake, it was my birthday we celebrated a day in advance I forgot to write, then lots of play, games and out in the sun. We played football with A he is so good at it, and so fun that he and M found each other.

E walked around and checked the situation a bit, my mother showed her the anemones that grow out there. ”Blau bleomma” as she said. After that, my mother picked up snowdrops for her. She was so happy, until it broke and she thought ”faffa” would fix it… we picked a new one instead.

At about 16.30 everyone went home. I got the absolute best birthday present in soooo long, a new microwave from grandma and mom. My old man had to move out on the balcony after it started to smell burnt. It was my Sunday.

Monday 21/3 my birthday, I turned 32 years old. Woke up with breakfast in bed, it does not happen often or think they never happened 😂. Of course I rocked the socks! Made me ready for school, picked up my tools from my internship and fixed some things on EKO and Biltema. Did as I always do…

Went home, cooked lunch and booked laundry time.

First 13-16 but when we came down ngn washed and had put padlocks on. Could not bother or look for the man who washes (are many apartments) so changed to 16-19.

Went well until we went down to fix the last wash that was in the machine. It had locked due to a strange error. So we tried to find that thing that allows you to open the machine even though they are, for example, power outages. We tried for 15 minutes maybe before I called Securitas who came down .. he had to call a colleague who was allowed to come and look… we did for 1 hour! Tried with everything, they unscrewed the ”lid” on the washing machine and then the front .. then we found that emergency opener… after 1h!

And then the laundry was really wet… but was so tired and just ready to cry, so they turned out, put in the dryer and then hope for the best. They had not dried completely so hung in the bathroom overnight and realize that the laundry must be washed again as they are detergent and rinse aid in the…. Do not even remember the last time I felt so irritated and bitter.

But otherwise it was a good birthday, promised myself that next year I will not wash on my birthday!

Did the internship assignment and submitted it today, it feels good. Deadline for submission is 28/3.
I decided to take a morning shower, watched some TV and been doing nothing special. Replanted one of my palms as the pot it stands in leaked water all over the floor. Planted even though some of my palettes… did some of them \yesterday too but the rest today.

Now it’s time to watch a little more TV and just relax 🙂

/Liljekonvaljens Kammare