Publicerad i Livet

Varför jag varit tyst…

Då var det dags att uppdatera lite vad som händer i livet.. Haft det turbulent i privatlivet. Blev sjukskriven på 100% pga detta och har nu återgått till att endast vara sjukskriven 25%.

Om jag säger såhär så kommer det dröja innan jag tänker dejta någon och släppa in den personen i mitt liv. Mitt redan kaosartade förflutna fick ytterligare en traumatisk händelse att lägga till.. Varför kan människor inte bara bete sig ordentligt?

Att lita på någon är stort för mig och jag gjorde det. Men fick ju återigen bevis på att jag inte ska göra det. Rädslan efter det som hände påverkar mig fortfarande men inte lika mycket. Trots den korta tid sedan händelsen.

En till sak som ökade hos mig är rädslan och obehaget av människor i kombination med alkohol. Det skapar en så hemskt och jobbig stress. Får panikångest och vill bara fly situationen. Jag klarar inte av det. Har tidigare kunna hantera och ha strategier för det.. Men de här tog allt till en ny nivå.

Att inte kunna lita på personen alls… att h*n tog sig hem från jobbet och passade på att ta en öl för att h*n ville…. Kl 14.00 en typ onsdag.. Att inte ens kunna känna den tryggheten.. ständig oro om h*n kommer ha druckit eller ej.. vad väntar mig när jag kommer hem? Kommer jag få höra kommentarer om mina vänner… Att de inte är ”normalt” att ha killkompisar som man har kontakt med dagligen… utan det är ”horpojkar” som jag har som backup utifall att… Ja ni fattar, det var inte bra…

Trots allt jag redan varit med om så kände jag ändå skuld att jag gjorde något fel fast jag inte gjorde det. Så jävla glad att det tog slut innan det blev ännu värre… MEN varför förlät jag h*n första gången och trodde att det inte skulle hända igen.. Hela tiden tjatet om att jag var hemlighetsfull, dolde saker mm.

ALDRIG ska jag låta mig själv ”ägas” av någon. Jag vill vara fri, ha vänner oavsett kön. Om jag vill sitta med min mobil en hel kväll ska jag kunna göra det utan att känna skuld. Bli anklagad för att ignorera personen pga man läst men inte svarat för man är upptagen… JAG HAR ETT LIV UTANFÖR ”OSS”…

Behövde få skriva av mig allt och tömma mitt system.

/Liljekonvaljens Kammare

Publicerad i English

This is why I’ve been so quiet…

Then it was time to update a little on what happens in life .. Had it turbulent in private life. Was on sick leave at 100% due to this and has now returned to only being on sick leave 25%.

If I say like this, it will be a while before I intend to date someone and let that person into my life. My already chaotic past had another traumatic event to add .. Why can people not just behave properly? Trusting someone is big for me and I did it. But I got proof again that I should not do it. The fear of what happened still affects me but not as much. Despite the short time since the incident.

Another thing that increased with me is the fear and discomfort of people in combination with alcohol. It creates such a horrible and annoying stress. Gets panic disorder and just wants to escape the situation. I can ‘t handle it. I have previously been able to handle and have strategies for it .. But this took everything to a new level. Not being able to trust the person at all… that came home from work and took the opportunity to have a beer because wanted . At 14.00 on a Wednesday .. that I couldn’t be able to feel any security at all.. constant worry about whether will have drunk or not .. what awaits me when I get home? Will I hear comments about my friends… That they are not ”normal” to have boyfriends that you have contact with daily… but it is ”whore boys” that I have as a backup in case…

Yes you understand, it was not good… Despite everything I have already been through, I still felt guilty that I did something wrong even though I did not. So damn happy that it ended before it got even worse… BUT why did I forgive the first time and thought it would not happen again .. All the time nagging that I was secretive, hidden things etc.

I should NEVER let myself be ”owned” by anyone. I want to be free, have friends regardless of gender. If I want to sit with my mobile for a whole night, I should be able to do it without feeling guilty. Be accused of ignoring the person because you read but did not answer because you are busy… I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE ”US”… Needed to write everything off and empty my system.

/ Liljekonvaljens Kammare

Publicerad i English

Life is a rollercoaster ..

I’ve been having a hard time, things doesn’t always go the way you want to. But it’s time to go on and let myself heal.

Some nights I can’t sleep and my mind just goes like a loop.. and eating is hard. I don’t feel hungry at all. But I do my best and eats anyway.

I try to do things that makes me happy, but even that’s hard. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist. Feels nice to talk and get help to deal with my issues.

/Liljekonvaljens kammare

Publicerad i English

Having ADHD is a disability that affects everyone differently.
I am affected in my everyday life in many different ways.

Thought to write a bit about the diagnosis and various characteristics etc..ADHD often means that a person is inattentive and has difficulty regulating their activity level and controlling their impulses…. It can be extra difficult to pay attention if you do not find the topic interesting, and may then have to force yourself to stay focused. It is difficult to turn off things that happen around you, you are disturbed by small things around you. Weak sounds, a movement or things like that. It takes all the focus from what you really have to do.

People with ADHD often find it difficult to be still and have to put in a lot of effort to do so. Which takes extra energy, in addition, it can be difficult to maintain an even energy level during the day and many often run out after a day at school or work that they are completely exhausted when they get home. It is easy to slip into daydreams and other thoughts very easily even during a conversation with another person, it is not because you are uninterested but because there are so many thoughts going on while you can not turn off for the moment. Everything spins constantly, all impressions both in sight and sound get stuck in a kind of vortex of eternity.

The mood often sways very quickly and it is often difficult to regulate emotions such as anger and disappointment. You take it very hard. Many people have difficulties with working memory, ie keeping and using a certain amount of information for a shorter period of time. This often makes many tasks difficult to complete.

One thing that is difficult for me is, among other things, numbers and mathematics. I do not make it work at all. Which makes me frustrated and sad that leads to an outbreak.

In women / girls, the symptoms are slightly different than in boys / men, girls are usually a little more introverted, which makes it more difficult for the environment to detect or react to something being ”wrong”. So many women get their diagnosis in adulthood when you yourself feel that something is not right…

One thing that is very difficult with ADHD is just getting to that with sleep. To get to bed, relax and sleep well at night. Which means that you are not rested when you wake up and the attention deteriorates during the day.

There is so much more to write about in this topic, but take them further… I think it is incredibly important to highlight this topic and talk about it.

That it is a disability that affects many people’s everyday lives. It’s not an invention to excuse people’s behavior, it’s a diagnosis just like diabetes. Something you have all your life, nothing you have chosen.

/Liljekonvaljens Kammare