My week has been good, grateful for my wonderful teachers and classmates. Feeling so strong in their company. In addition, this week’s tasks have been super fun, I felt so happy and satisfied with the result. I rarely feel satisfied and proud of myself and my work.
Feeling more or less often failed and that my work was not good at all. Have such high demands on myself. Feel that I never do the job well enough, that it just got shit from everything and I want to ruin it so that no one else will have time to see my ”ugly” work.
Still struggling with troublesome nightmares after the recent events that shook me. Panic, discomfort and anxiety, every day is the same thing. The fear of meeting the person in question, how going to behave. After my previous post, I received messages from That asked ”if I felt happy to write about what happened ..” later wrote that ”It must feel good to print on social media and blackmail a person ..” Remember not literally what was written… But you understand… I did not mention any names or if it is a female or a man it is about… STILL must write to me and increase my discomfort. My fear. I would NEVER print the names of people without my person’s permission. thinks I’m looking for confirmation via social media.
My instagram has become a platform adventure I can show my floristic works and create a digital portfolio.
My blog is for my sake and for those who want to read who may recognize themselves in my texts. I could never demand or force anyone to read or comment. It is each individual’s choice. I am grateful to those who follow me and read my posts. It makes me happy.
So now we drop that.. Thought i would share pictures from this week’s creations at school. Had so much fun and I have to admit that one of the works looks like chaos, but that’s a bit of a point. And that work helped me lower the demands on myself. Longing until I can do them again !!
Then it was time to update a little on what happens in life .. Had it turbulent in private life. Was on sick leave at 100% due to this and has now returned to only being on sick leave 25%.
If I say like this, it will be a while before I intend to date someone and let that person into my life. My already chaotic past had another traumatic event to add .. Why can people not just behave properly? Trusting someone is big for me and I did it. But I got proof again that I should not do it. The fear of what happened still affects me but not as much. Despite the short time since the incident.
Another thing that increased with me is the fear and discomfort of people in combination with alcohol. It creates such a horrible and annoying stress. Gets panic disorder and just wants to escape the situation. I can ‘t handle it. I have previously been able to handle and have strategies for it .. But this took everything to a new level. Not being able to trust the person at all… that came home from work and took the opportunity to have a beer because wanted . At 14.00 on a Wednesday .. that I couldn’t be able to feel any security at all.. constant worry about whether will have drunk or not .. what awaits me when I get home? Will I hear comments about my friends… That they are not ”normal” to have boyfriends that you have contact with daily… but it is ”whore boys” that I have as a backup in case…
Yes you understand, it was not good… Despite everything I have already been through, I still felt guilty that I did something wrong even though I did not. So damn happy that it ended before it got even worse… BUT why did I forgive the first time and thought it would not happen again .. All the time nagging that I was secretive, hidden things etc.
I should NEVER let myself be ”owned” by anyone. I want to be free, have friends regardless of gender. If I want to sit with my mobile for a whole night, I should be able to do it without feeling guilty. Be accused of ignoring the person because you read but did not answer because you are busy… I HAVE A LIFE OUTSIDE ”US”… Needed to write everything off and empty my system.
Vi hoppas att du ska trivas med våra ö-inlägg. Oavsett om du bor på ön året runt, kommer hit med jämna mellanrum eller aldrig varit här... Givetvis skulle det varit trevligt om vi kan få dig, som aldrig varit på Gotland, att åka hit för första gången. Vi tror inte du skulle ångra dig. Chansen är betydligt större att du drabbas av samma känslor som Bosse fått varje gång, som vi varit här på semester. Välkomna önskar Bosse och Solveig Lidén!